Pet Shop Boys and film
It Couldn't Happen Here - the story and pictures
[ pictures ]
Pictures for single numbers are at the end of this page
These lines don't describe all moments from the film
The film begins on Clacton beach early one morning; some dancers are
limbering up (the song "It Couldn't Happen Here" is playing). Neil appears with his bicycle
(1), cycling to a kiosk where he buys some postcards (the song "Suburbia" is playing) while
the kiosk keeper (Gareth Hunt) moans about politicians and the faults of the modern world
(2). Neil ignores him and writes out his postcards.
Chris, meanwhile, is packing everything (the song "Opportunities" is
playing), including his bicycle, into a trunk upstairs at a a bed and breakfast. He runs
downstairs and waits for the landlady (Barbara Windsor) to bring him breakfast while clearly
irked by the appalling jokes being made by a novelty salesman (Gareth Hunt again) at the
next table (3), When breakfast, a huge tray of fried eggs, sausages, etc., finally appears
Chris silently empties it over the landlady (4) and departs into the street (5). He runs
along the promenade, chased by a group of Hell's Angels on bikes. Meanwhile Neil cycles
along the beach as a priest (Joss Ackland) recites verse and leads a party of
schoolchildren. Two of the boys - the Pet Shop Boys at an earlier age - run into the pier.
Inside Neil is seeing an exotically dressed female fortune teller (6); as he leaves "she"
uncovers her face to reveal Chris. The schoolchildren meanwhile look in a "what the butler
saw" viewing machine and see a short bedroom farce - a supposedly sexy slapstick
performance featuring Chris as a square and Neil as a butler making advances to a French
maid (7). The priest catches them and shouts more frightening verse; they escape into the
amusement arcade of oddities and horrors, including a rock star (played by Neil) in a gold
tassled suit (8). They slip into the theatre (9) where they see "nuns" perform a risqué
dance routine (10) (to "It's A Sin") before they're both caught and reprimanded by the
priest. It's now evening and the priest drags the boys onto the open pier in the rain and
stands near a ship, commanding 12 fishermen to haul a huge cross out of the sea while
addressing the sky (11).
Neil and Chris pass three rappers performing "West End Girls" and go to buy
a posh old car. They wait, glancing contemptuously and occasionally trying to interrupt, as
the salesman insists on presenting his full sales spiel, then pay in cash and drive off. The
radio news tells of a hitchhiker who has hacked to death three people who have given him
lifts. Chris stops for a girl hitchhiker but when the car door opens it's a man (Joss
Ackland again) fitting the murderer's description who gets in, proceeding (as "Always On My
Mind" plays) to recite the same verse as the priest had quoted previously. Eventually he
asks to be let out; the Pet Shop Boys continue, untouched.
They arrive at a transport cafe (the song "Love Comes Quickly" is playing,
then "Suburbia") where they're sat next to a traveller (Gareth Hunt, once more) (12). They
order an inappropriate meal (the waitress doesn't flinch). At another table a pilot (Neil
Dickson) fiddles frustratedly with a hand-held computer game and says "divided
by... divided by... zero" to himself. A voice from the traveller's briefcase asks for
itself to be let out; reluctantly the traveller does so, revealing a ventriloquist's dummy
(13). After a little chat the dummy starts philosophising about the concept of time - in
particular whether the time can be likened to a teacup in that a teacup is no longer a
teacup if no one has the intention to use it as such. To shut him up Neil puts a record on
the jukebox ("Rent") and the wall of the cafe rises to reveal a dance troupe.
Meanwhile the pilot is seen back in his office studying a book on time.
After a while he reaches a conclusion he finds disturbing - "the man's a blasted
existentialist" - and jumps into his plane (14), determined to put an end to such daftness.
Neil and Chris are driving down a pleasant country lane when (to the sound of "Two Divided
By Zero") the pilot attacks (15). The car is riddled with bullets; the Pet Shop Boys drive
on, untouched.
They draw up at a phone box which is being vandalised by a group of vicious
looking youths. Instead of laying into Neil they politely open the door for him and he
phones his mother (Barbara Windsor again). The two of the exchange the lines of "What Have I
Done To Deserve This?" (16). At the end Neil puts his head against the broken glass and
blood appears.
In a suburban street a commuter leaves home; there's a scantily clad woman
in his upstairs window. He is covered in flames (17), though he doesn't seem to notice. At
the railway station, as a zebra is led into one goods van (18), Neil and Chris sit on the
platform (19) then get into another van where a snake coils itself around them.
At Paddington, where soldiers mingle round, as if during wartime, a limo
waits for them. They drive through a tunnel as the chauffeur (Neil Dickson again) quotes
passages from Milton's Paradise Lost at them, and pass safely through a battlefield
(20) full of explosions. The chauffeur derides and ridicules them as they pull up and enter
a club. Chris and Neil begin performing "One More Chance" and the club fills with dancers
(21), competitor numbers on their back. At the end Neil and Chris walk up the stairs. On
their back are competitor's numbers too, except that both of them read "O". (the song "I
Want To Wake Up" is playing during the end titles).
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